To whom it may concern:

I would like to request that you drop this "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim" business. It is causing my mother undue worry in my behalf. As evidence, I offer this transcript of a conversation I had with her Saturday night, after I called her from the parking lot (someone should look into that too):

"So are you still in the parking lot?"
"No, I'm trying to find my way back to the freeway."
"Oh, are you in a really bad part of L.A.?"
"Umm...no. I'm nowhere near L.A. I just had to turn right out of the parking lot instead of left, which led directly to the freeway. Now I'm headed toward a different on-ramp."

Clearly, this situation has gotten out of hand. My mother worries about me enough, what with my non-existent dating life and all. I do not need her to think I'm wandering lost through the slums of Los Angeles.

I suggest you revise the team name to the "Anaheim Angels." Simple, direct, and self-explanitory.

Thank you for your consideration in this matter. I look forward to a speedy resolution.

Life is short so go on and live it, 'cause the chicks dig it

So last week I was on the couch, remote in hand, ready to watch the results show of So You Think You Can Dance. Then the TV flipped out, and all I could get were Spanish channels. Because I'm lazy, I didn't do anything about it until yesterday (in the back of my mind, I thought it would just sort itself out). So I call the cable company and they agree to send someone out. When the guy came, he fiddled with things for a few minutes before it all magically came back. Turns out there was nothing wrong with the signal, some setting got off on the TV itself. The cable guy was at least kind enough to cancel the request so that I won't get charged (I hope...we'll see when the bill comes in).

This experience made me wish, for the millionth time, that I had a boy around. Not only would this boy be able to fix my TV, he would unclog my shower, fix my washing machine, and make the emergency brake light go away in my car. According to Mike, "man skills" such as these are not valued enough by women. I, for one, completely disagree.

Man skills are hot.

This is not to say that I want to marry a plumber. I think President Hinckley had it right when he said, "We speak of being 'equally yoked.' That applies, I think, to the matter of education." I just want that educationally equally yoked to be able to fix a few things around the house.

I do not think this is such a ridiculous request. I have been told since I was a Merrie Miss in primary that it was necessary for me to gain certain skills becuase I would need them in my future home. This is why I had Mutual nights where I learned how to iron a shirt, sew on a button, and cook a meal for twelve. I do not resent this training; it's actually quite useful.

So men, dig out those long-lost boy scout lessons and get to work. You can start with my shower.

Humor: editor style

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

When I was in junior high, our typing/computers/whatever teacher had this poem above his chalkboard. I thought of it then what I think of it now: incredibly corny, but it has a point. Spell checkers will never replace a human being. Observe the following examples*, which are not nearly as over-the-top but are much funnier.

Screenline: A line across parallel roadways that defines a zone of analysts.
Now, this zone of analysts are posing as sagebrush, while this group represents the jackrabbits...

The sheet filed with our map shows our special dispensation under the ordinance because of the graphic nature of our design.
An X-rated parking lot, coming to a shopping center near you.

The compost site currently receives 200-tons of material per day, which is processed into compost and mulch for use on organic farms, gardeners, landscapers, and public agencies.
I can see the adds now: Organic compost--garden-fresh skin in just 5 days!


*These are actual examples taken from real documents. Details have been changed to protect the innocent. All are included here in good fun--I know I'm certainly not above a typo or two myself.

Learning to Fly

So turns out that if you don't fly the first half of a round-trip ticket, the airline will cancel the second half for you. I learned this when I showed up at the airport and handed my ID to the lady at the check-in counter. Three people later, they finally figured out that their system couldn't let them check me in because the ticket was cancelled. The next response was that I needed to talk to Travelocity because it was their ticket. Luckily, the supervisor was able to apply the money from the first ticket to a new, one-way ticket back to California. She just couldn't get that ticket until the next night. So I called my office and left a message explaining what happened and why I wouldn't be there the next day. And I got to spend another night with my family. So it all worked out in the end.

Also, because I had a one-way ticket both ways, I got the full body and bag search. Not fun.