To whom it may concern:

I would like to request that you drop this "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim" business. It is causing my mother undue worry in my behalf. As evidence, I offer this transcript of a conversation I had with her Saturday night, after I called her from the parking lot (someone should look into that too):

"So are you still in the parking lot?"
"No, I'm trying to find my way back to the freeway."
"Oh, are you in a really bad part of L.A.?"
"Umm...no. I'm nowhere near L.A. I just had to turn right out of the parking lot instead of left, which led directly to the freeway. Now I'm headed toward a different on-ramp."

Clearly, this situation has gotten out of hand. My mother worries about me enough, what with my non-existent dating life and all. I do not need her to think I'm wandering lost through the slums of Los Angeles.

I suggest you revise the team name to the "Anaheim Angels." Simple, direct, and self-explanitory.

Thank you for your consideration in this matter. I look forward to a speedy resolution.

Life is short so go on and live it, 'cause the chicks dig it

So last week I was on the couch, remote in hand, ready to watch the results show of So You Think You Can Dance. Then the TV flipped out, and all I could get were Spanish channels. Because I'm lazy, I didn't do anything about it until yesterday (in the back of my mind, I thought it would just sort itself out). So I call the cable company and they agree to send someone out. When the guy came, he fiddled with things for a few minutes before it all magically came back. Turns out there was nothing wrong with the signal, some setting got off on the TV itself. The cable guy was at least kind enough to cancel the request so that I won't get charged (I hope...we'll see when the bill comes in).

This experience made me wish, for the millionth time, that I had a boy around. Not only would this boy be able to fix my TV, he would unclog my shower, fix my washing machine, and make the emergency brake light go away in my car. According to Mike, "man skills" such as these are not valued enough by women. I, for one, completely disagree.

Man skills are hot.

This is not to say that I want to marry a plumber. I think President Hinckley had it right when he said, "We speak of being 'equally yoked.' That applies, I think, to the matter of education." I just want that educationally equally yoked to be able to fix a few things around the house.

I do not think this is such a ridiculous request. I have been told since I was a Merrie Miss in primary that it was necessary for me to gain certain skills becuase I would need them in my future home. This is why I had Mutual nights where I learned how to iron a shirt, sew on a button, and cook a meal for twelve. I do not resent this training; it's actually quite useful.

So men, dig out those long-lost boy scout lessons and get to work. You can start with my shower.

Humor: editor style

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

When I was in junior high, our typing/computers/whatever teacher had this poem above his chalkboard. I thought of it then what I think of it now: incredibly corny, but it has a point. Spell checkers will never replace a human being. Observe the following examples*, which are not nearly as over-the-top but are much funnier.

Screenline: A line across parallel roadways that defines a zone of analysts.
Now, this zone of analysts are posing as sagebrush, while this group represents the jackrabbits...

The sheet filed with our map shows our special dispensation under the ordinance because of the graphic nature of our design.
An X-rated parking lot, coming to a shopping center near you.

The compost site currently receives 200-tons of material per day, which is processed into compost and mulch for use on organic farms, gardeners, landscapers, and public agencies.
I can see the adds now: Organic compost--garden-fresh skin in just 5 days!


*These are actual examples taken from real documents. Details have been changed to protect the innocent. All are included here in good fun--I know I'm certainly not above a typo or two myself.

Learning to Fly

So turns out that if you don't fly the first half of a round-trip ticket, the airline will cancel the second half for you. I learned this when I showed up at the airport and handed my ID to the lady at the check-in counter. Three people later, they finally figured out that their system couldn't let them check me in because the ticket was cancelled. The next response was that I needed to talk to Travelocity because it was their ticket. Luckily, the supervisor was able to apply the money from the first ticket to a new, one-way ticket back to California. She just couldn't get that ticket until the next night. So I called my office and left a message explaining what happened and why I wouldn't be there the next day. And I got to spend another night with my family. So it all worked out in the end.

Also, because I had a one-way ticket both ways, I got the full body and bag search. Not fun.

And the award for idiot of the year goes to…

Short story: I bought a plane ticket for Sunday, not Thursday, which would have meant missing my brother’s homecoming talk, which was half the point of coming home. Changing the ticket would have cost $600 (I only paid $500 for the original ticket), which was out of the question. So my solution was to buy a new ticket to Salt Lake and drive up with my grandparents.

Long story: So there I was at work, humming to myself because I was so excited to go home. I glanced down at my itinerary as I was putting it away and noticed that it said Sunday, May 27, not Thursday, May 24. Must be a mistake, I thought. So I log onto Travelocity. Nope, not a mistake (at least not theirs). I started panicking (short of breath, shaking, the whole nine yards... my coworker describes this really well). I could not wait until Sunday. So I call Delta, who tells me that it will be $600 to switch my flight. My dad had conveniently lost his cell phone and wasn’t answering his office phone. I had to hunt down my mom at school to break the bad news and try to come up with a better solution. She suggested calling Travelocity. They said it would be $650, plus their $80 fee. Ouch. I don’t have that kind of money, especially for a ticket that I already bought. In talking about this whole mess with the same coworker, she offhandedly said, “Well, you could always drive home like you did at Christmas.” That’s when the little light bulb went on. My grandparents would be driving to my house from Spanish Fork the next day. So I bought a last-minute (and still overpriced, but way cheaper than $600) one-way ticket to Salt Lake and spent the next day in a car. My grandpa even refrained from asking me if there are any nice young men in my ward, and they let me drive the last section. So I still made it home in time to hear him speak.

Moral: Always always always triple check travel arraingements. And then do it once more just for good measure.

I hate to say I told you so...

A few weeks ago, I was lying in bed trying to convince myself that I really did need to get up. There's a tree just outside my window, and the birds were having their own version of American Idol. I thought, Wouldn't it be fun to put up a birdfeeder? This thought, like many that early in the morning, soon passed.

About a week later, a coworker began telling me about all the cool birds she's seen at her feeder recently. Once again, I thought it would be fun to put up a birdfeeder. I walked back to my office and told the other editor my plan.

"Oh, you don't want to do that. You'll just be feeding the rats."

I explained that this would be up high, where the rats couldn't get to it. She just gave me this "Fine, don't listen to me" look and we moved on.

The next weekend I went out and bought a birdfeeder. I put it up under the eaves of my house, close to the tree so the cute little birds would feel protected. I figured it wouldn't be long before they were swarming to my window.

I was wrong. Several weeks went by, and the level of seeds didn't change. I could hear the birds in the tree, but never saw any at my feeder.

Saturday morning, there was a huge commotion outside my window. Something was rustling around in the dead leaves. I thought it was the cat we've seen in our garage a few times.

I was wrong again.


Needless to say, the birdfeeder is no longer outside my window.

*I would like to point out the two mice in the background of this photo. There was a whole extended family out there. It was absolutely disgusting.

Meglio Stasera, baby, go, go, go!

Do you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you had made a different choice? This has been a recurring idea in my life the past few weeks, and I'm starting to wonder why. Ali and I were talking about it tonight. It also popped up when I listened to the new Michael Buble CD. For some reason, the second song took me back to a time in college when I liked two boys at once. Of course, I liked one of them more than the other, but he wasn't quite as agressive as the second one. I distinctly remember one night when our ward was having a dance. I elected to stay home, thinking that the first guy would stay home too, and I could take him cookies or something (I was very young :) ). But as it turned out, the first guy went to the dance, and the second guy came over instead. I beat him at Trivial Pursuit and we ended up cuddling on the couch. Now, I'm not saying I would have ended up with the first guy (I know for a fact that he wanted me to date his best friend (who lived in St. George...like that was gonna happen)). However, I really wonder if I would have dated the second guy if that night hadn't happened.
I do not regret my decision. I learned a lot from that relationship (specifically, a lot of what I don't want). I remember that summer as one of the best times of my life. But I also look back and think, "What were you thinking, self? He was a loser and you knew it!"
Now I'm sitting here at 1 a.m. trying to think of a noncorny way to end this post without it rambling on for another paragraph or two. I suppose this will have to do:
*Basically, I have been reminded several times in the past few weeks that small choices have big consequences. This weirds me out. That's all.